Friendly Letters
by Mina2
Summary: Harry and Draco write letters to each other as a school assignment. Rather nutty, and waaay too sarcastic in my opinion. Major PWP.


"Friendly" Letters 

**Subtitled: Jackass**

_By Mina_

_ _

_To know you is to hate you _

_So loving you must be like suicide _

_ _

Malfoy,  
  


I was wondering today, how can Pansy stand kissing you? It's a regular question, really… I mean, what, does she barf her lunch up afterwards or something? Hell, I would. Or maybe the girl just has a stronger stomach than me. To date you, she'd need either that or some strange mental illness. Then again, perhaps she has a fondness towards little albino pricks.

I've known you for six years now, and it seems as though every year, I find something new to hate about you. Isn't it funny? I get more laughs watching you make a fool of yourself daily than I do listening to jokes. 

Cheers, 

Harry Potter 

_I don't mind if you don't mind _

_I'm not the one that's going to die _

_ _

Dearest Potty, 

Hell, Potter, you can blabber on and on if you like. This is a stupid assignment anyway, just so you know.

Keep in mind, you're the one that's prophesized to die within the next what… two years? Nice to know that you'll perish in anguish, a big comfort. Wouldn't want you to go off and marry Mudblood, now would we?

-Draco Malfoy

P.S. Lay off Patsy, Potter. We all know you can't get any, not even from Brown… and that girl goes around like a record.

_I guess I just can't listen_

_To this one sided conversation again _

_ _

Malfoy, 

I can't stand having to write this crap to you. I'm tired of your bullshit remarks, I really am. I'm going to ask Dumbledore to switch me to another partner. I don't have time for your whining. Lots more important things to do.

-H. Potter 

P.S. Stuff it, Malfoy. Lavender's not like that, and Pansy's only with you for your money. Everybody knows it. 

_'case I don't care if I don't care _

_No one ever said that life is fair _

Potter, 

Yes, go on, kiss the Headmaster's ass and get whatever you want. Great philosophy, I know. I should try it… oh wait, I'm not a Gryffindor muggle lover. Silly me. I forgot myself. 

I think I'll finish this letter with an inspirational quote for you, Potter. Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them… Don't be getting any ideas, now. Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

-Draco 

P.S. You know I'm right. Poor, poor Potter, in denial... 

_ _

_Everybody loves a joke _

_ _

Malfoy, 

God, touchy touchy. Can't take a joke, now can you? And stop with the sarcasm. Just reading it gives me a headache.

-Harry 

P.S. Shut up. 

_But no one likes a fool _

_ _

Potter, 

You're not very bright, are you? The same applies to Weasel, you know. As for Mudblood… Tell me, did she really screw all the staff? If so, ask her how she did it. I want some extra credit in Transfigurations.

-Draco 

P.S. No. 

_And you're always cracking the same old lines again _

_You're well rehearsed on every verse _

_And that was stated clear _

_But no one understands your verity _

_ _

Draco, 

Get over yourself. Ready for a shock? You're not as wonderful as you think. Really, you need some new material. We know you're jealous. No one listens to what you say anymore. 

As for the extra credit, you tell me what you did to get Snape in the dungeons alone (I mean, that _is _the reason you're passing the class), and I'll tell you our secret for Transfigurations. 

Dungbombs and death threats, 

Harry 

_ _

_The center of attention _

_Got an honorable mention once again _

Potter:_ _

You flatter me, Potter. You mean people at one time listened to what I said? You give me hope to live on. Thanks, I began to think that I was underappreciated.

Not all of us can be as wonderful as you, I guess. But of course, we all should try.

As for Snape, well… I'll give you a hint. Use the same tactic you used to get Dumbledore in bed, and you'll be fine.

-Draco 

P.S. You called me "Draco". I'm touched, Harry, I really and truly am. 

_ _

_Congratulations and salutations _

_You're a figment of your own imagination _

_ _

To Whom It May Concern:

Suck it. 

I congratulate you… "underappreciated" is a big word. A whole seven syllables, is it? I was afraid you wouldn't be able to handle it. Like I said before, you're not as great as you think you are. I'm surprised your ego fits in the same room as you do.

-Harry 

_Everybody loves a joke _

_But no one likes a fool _

_ _

Dearest Harry, 

As much as I love you, I must say my feelings are hurt. Do you not love me back? Ah, so sad… I must go kill myself, really. Has the great Harry Potter has rejected me? I'm crying. 

Stop being stupid… Well… Can't ask for miracles, I suppose. But aren't we supposed to be getting some interesting revelations about ourselves about now?

-Draco

P.S. I'm glad you think I'm smart. Maybe someday I'll be able to master the fine art of being stupid… But you know, you'll have to give me lessons. I learn from the master. 

_And you're always cracking the same old lines again _

_You're well rehearsed on every verse _

_ _

Draco, 

I enjoy this as much as I enjoy being hexed. I know you love me… Doesn't everybody? 

As for smarts, you have the IQ of a flobberworm. No, pardon me… that was rude. I shouldn't have insulted the flobberworm. 

-Harry 

_And that was stated clear _

_But no one understands your verity _

Potter, 

Bite me.

-Draco 

_To know you is to bait you _

_And you fell victim to your own denial _

_ _

Draco, 

Stop denying it. You know that both our lives are shit. Look, stop lying to yourself. We're supposed to learn something about each other. I haven't learned anything new about you from the past few letters. Actually, my image of you was confirmed. You are one egotistical, bigoted lunatic. Yes, I'm sure you think the same of me. 

I don't expect to get anything done with this project. You're not going to have a sudden change of heart, and spill your heart out to me. Truth be told, I don't think I'd want to hear everything about your life anything. I just want a passing grade on this. 

-Harry 

P.S. I'm serious. 

_I don't mind if you don't mind _

_If you're wasting all your time _

Harry, 

First off, you're wrong. I don't think you're an egotistical, bigoted lunatic. I always thought of you as a way too happy, spoiled teacher's pet. 

Yeah, I'm really going to spill my heart to _you_ Potter. Want to hear my life story? I was born, I went to school, I graduated, I became rich and powerful. Want to hear your life story? You were born, almost killed, brought up by muggles, went to school, almost killed, almost killed, almost killed… You get what I'm saying? One of these days, there won't be an "almost". No, that's not a threat.

So what say you we fake some heartfelt letters and hand that crap in? Something about having a revelation and a change of hearts, and then some happy sounding shit. Does that work for you? 

This was a stupid project anyway.

-Draco Malfoy

**A/N: Yes, that was rather strange. Very OOC, too sarcastic, and unrealistic. Anything else to add? Review!!! Oh, and nothin' belongs to me. The song lyrics are "Jackass" by Greenday, from their wunderfilled CD "Warning". Draco, Harry, etc., belong to J. K. Rowling. Leprechaun Boy belongs to me, though he's not in this fic. But he's mine. ALL MINE!! Well, I'll share. Maybe. **


End file.
